An Act of Fearlessness

Lately, I’ve been suffering from anxiety, which is new for me. It feels like there are a thousand spiders crawling underneath my skin, like my body is full of toxic chemicals, and all I want to do is scream. I snap at my closest loved ones over the smallest things. I wish they would go away and just leave me alone. My head feels muddled, my speech gets tongue-tied, and my hands shake. My heart races and I keep trying different things to calm myself down – deep breathing, light reading, watching a funny show. Nothing seems to work, except sleep, of course. Sleep feels like the answer to everything, sometimes.

Perhaps the Universe is using anxiety to spur me to write more. I usually end up feeling better after writing, but the act of saying “no” to all the daily demands of life, finding a quiet corner, and putting pen to paper can feel more overwhelming than just dealing with all the shit life throws at you. Sometimes I think I’d write more, if only I could get a break, a few days with no one around to make demands of me. I know that wouldn’t help though. I mean, I’d love the free time, but I know I wouldn’t write. I’ve been in that situation before, and I did everything from cleaning the bathrooms to binge watching old sitcoms, anything to avoid writing. How can one person want so badly to write and yet run away from it at the same time? All my life, I’ve heard people say, you know you’re a writer if you always feel the desire to write. I hardly ever want to write, but I know I’m most alive when I do.  For me, writing feels like an event, an act of fearlessness. Does anyone else ever feel that way?

 

4 thoughts on “An Act of Fearlessness

  1. I can relate so much to this post! I usually write the most when I’m experiencing a rough spell with anxiety or my mental health and it can help so much and be kind of cathartic for me, but at the same time due to my anxiety I can find it hard to write because I feel like it’s a daunting task and what if I’m not good enough? If my words aren’t good enough and I’ve failed at the one thing I feel I’m good at? Thank you for this post, it’s good to know I’m not alone!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your comment! I know what you mean. I often feel imposter syndrome, too, like what I write is not good enough and will never be up to par. But then I think, forget about trying to reach some imagined level of perfection. Write for yourself. Write what comes straight out of your heart, for catharsis or just as a record of your thoughts. And afterwards, if you think someone else might benefit from your words, share them. There will always be someone out there for whom your words will be a great support.

      Liked by 1 person

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